The Real Estate Whisperer: Dear Sellers, I am confused...

Dear Sellers:

I get so confused sometimes when I try to help you sell your home. You see, I have these buyers. Online, it looked like your home fit their criteria - the price and location are just right, and the description of your property made us think that your house could be "the one".

I looked, and I saw your requests about scheduling showings and how I could get access. I complied. I always try to call the day before if I can. You agreed to the showing.

But then I get there and I am so confused....

Why is your home so cold in the winter and hot in the summer? Doesn't the HVAC work? My clients and I could barely stand to be in your house very long, and all we remember about it now was how miserable we were inside.
What was that smell? My clients are afraid it will never come out of the house.
I was actually a little spooked.... Did you know I was coming? All the lights were off and I could barely see to come in the door.
Why didn't you answer the door? You were sitting in that front room, and I knocked, and knocked and rang the doorbell before I used the key. You scared me sitting there on your couch in your bathrobe. But, don't feel bad... we didn't really want to look at the *whole house*... the locked bedrooms and basement weren't a turn off at all.
What were those symbols all over your house? My client thinks you're a devil worshipper and won't even talk about buying your house. I tried to tell him that wasn't the case, but he won't listen to me.
Why is the dehumidifier in your basement? I noticed the new carpet down there, too. We're putting two and two together .... and we've moved on.
Yes, we were planning to see your home, but when we pulled in and there were all those toys and trash in your front yard, my clients didn't want to come in. Sorry.
I can appreciate that you're offering to put in the new carpet "buyers choice". That's nice. But what happened in this house on that carpet? O.M.G. Was that blood? Did someone die in there? Did you let the horse stay inside the house? No, we'll move on to another house. Thankfully there are 10 more in your neighborhood.
Thanks for giving me the personal tour. I would never have known that was the dining room. Really. In 20 years in real estate, it's just something I haven't learned to identify all on my own. And that story you told? Wow. Great story. Unfortunately, we can't really remember now what your house looked like.
Do you know that your kids put signs up all over the house saying that it is haunted? I am guessing you don't know that. You might want to talk to them, or have the house exorcised.

Oh, and about the pets...

Why do you have so many cats? It wasn't advertised as a cat house.
That snake in your living room is creepy, and so is that eel in your basement.
When is the last time you cleaned that fish tank? Wow... now that I look a little closer, when is the last time you *really* cleaned anything - that HVAC filter is as awful looking as the fish tank. Oh, and I think the fish are dead.
Your bird never shut up. And we couldn't help but notice you keep him in the kitchen, his (dirty) cage over the countertop... My client kept wondering how often bird poop had been on the counters where he would prepare food. It sort of grossed him out. So we just left and headed over to the 7-11 to buy some tylennol.
We just have one question... have you ever lost one of your lizards or rats in the house? My client is really concerned about that.
Oh, by the way...maybe you never noticed, but your dog is really scary. He didn't want us to come in. So, we didn't. Have you talked to him lately? I am pretty sure he's not planning on selling... and without his help you're not going to either.

Certainly, my dear sellers, it is your home. Have your pets, keep your trash on the lawn, don't use the HVAC....I respect your right to use your home as you see fit. I am just saying that you're acting a little more like an "owner" and not like a "seller". The good news is that you will probably get to keep your house, and keep on using it just the way you want, for a very long time. Well... if your dog wants you to.